Enabling: When Parents Who Want to Help Teens End Up Hurting Them
By the staff of Heartland Human Services
Adolescence is perhaps the most difficult stage in human development. It is fraught with battles for independence, self-expression, fitting in and balancing family and peer responsibilities and relationships. Parents with the best of intentions may find that they are unsuccessful in their efforts to help acting out behaviors. Unacceptable behaviors vary -- some teens stay out after curfew or cut class, others steal or use alcohol or other drugs. Whatever the negative behavior, parents and caretakers often find themselves as unwitting enablers. That is, despite their good intentions, they end up enabling (even encouraging) the negative behavior to continue. Parents must be able to identify and change their enabling behaviors in order to successfully help teens who are acting out.
There are three categories of enabling: Provokers, Rescuers, and Victims.
Provokers react to their kids out of anger. Parents love their children and do not want to see them get hurt. In a misguided effort to prevent those hurts, Provokers try to control the teen as if he or she were a possession. Parents operating from a Provoker role have a very hard time allowing teens to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes. Provoker behaviors include yelling, nagging, judging, putting down others, reminding/coaxing, and even hitting. Other popular Provoker behaviors include following teens (spying), reading their diaries, listening in on their phone calls, choosing their friends, and setting rules that are unrealistic. Provokers often overreact. They yell and threaten so often that they eventually begin to feel guilty about it. This then leads them to become Rescuers, the second type of enabler.
Rescuers react to their children out of feelings of guilt. After hurting their children by yelling, spying, hitting, or continually threatening them with consequences, parents want to make amends by doing something nice. Some parents/caregivers use money to accomplish this. They buy the teen clothes, stereos, or other luxury items in an attempt to sooth their guilt. Probably the most damaging (and common) Rescuer behavior is being inconsistent with consequences -- saying no and then giving in, giving just "one more chance" before giving the promised consequence for negative behavior, etc. Rescuers are the parents who call school to say their child is sick when he or she really is hung over or doesn't want to get up. Rescuers pay the court fines teens rack up for illegal consumption and other violations. They bail teens out of jail, cover for bounced checks, allow kids to not do their homework, and make excuses for the kids.
When a parent pays a teen's fine or bails him or her out of jail (or otherwise rescues the teen), they are destroying the opportunity for the teen to learn from consequences. If a child has to make the money to pay his or her own fine, spend the night in jail, or pay back the store he or she shoplifted from, they will likely learn that they do not want to engage in that behavior again. If a parent or caretaker takes away those consequences, the teen learns that the rules don't apply to them, mom or dad will take care of things, and that they can continue with the negative behavior with little or no cost to them. Teens may say they have learned their lesson, but if parents don't allow them to fully experience the consequences of their choices, they will NOT have learned that they are responsible for their actions. Children will take advantage of Rescuers who then begin to feel foolish or as if they have "been had". Rescuers then shift into the third category of enabling -- Victims.
Victims just don't understand how their teen can not appreciate everything they have done for them. Despite all the rescuing, these parents get back talked, verbally abused, and very little cooperation. Now the parents feel sorry for themselves and often complain to others about how poorly treated they are. Victims may see themselves as martyrs, isolate themselves from others, fight more with their spouses, put more demands on other children or plan to get even.
A parent can shift quickly from one enabling role to another. Often teens become adept at pushing the right "buttons" to get parents to react and become enabling. The key is for parents to act rather than react to their teens. It is essential to remember that you cannot control the thoughts, feelings, or behaviors of others but you CAN and MUST control your own. It is helpful to say to yourself, "I can't control others, but I can control my reaction to them".
Other helpful tips in successfully working with teens include the following: Don't confront your child when you are angry (take a time out to cool off first); Don't say things you don't really mean (such as "You are grounded until you are 20!"); Never use verbal or physical violence; Insist your teen take personal responsibility for his/her behavior (do NOT pay their fines or bail them out); Don't make excuses to school, family or others for your teen's behavior; Set consequences for behaviors and then enforce them -- no more "one more chance" or allowing a two week grounding to end after three days. The lessons your teen takes away from this will help him or her to become a responsible adult -- every parent's goal.